Scribbled Thoughts

Well Hello. How lovely to see you. I cannot wait for you to read my scribblings which some people may call ‘a load of filth’. And to some it may usher a friendly briefing about the exasperating period that starts from adolescence and still lingers.

A woman appears casual and easy-going because she is made to think a silent woman is more attractive. She hides her desires, ambitions, and her wants out of sight for she is made to feel it would render humiliation. The journey out of adolescence, through adulthood is actually a complicated high point of every pressure, disagreement, and fear ranging from work to love, and parenthood to self-worth.

One day in my twenties, I found myself affixed to my bed by the heaviness of my heart. I was alone, unfamiliar, and unsure about life as a grown-up woman. The social pressure of having a decent career, getting married, and having a child within the ‘deadline’ hit me like several women. I was twisting through a web of decisions with a ticking clock. The fact that youth and fertility are finite and you have to make a decision before you turn into an old hag and run out of eggs felt intimidating.

The first pressure is to have a prestigious job title. Instead of following our hearts, most of us choose a career based on how it is identified by our family and peers. We do this to protect ourselves from rejection while it is actually an outright self-destruction. Sometimes our decisions can be irrevocable. So when you make a decision about your career, make it from the heart. There is no shame in choosing one that is less then ideal. The people worth having in your life, love you for what you are. I do recognise that for some, it is improbable. Though it requires a great deal of overhaul, it is worth doing.

If you’re a woman pulling herself through a bereavement into the great empty realm of life, then marriage becomes an offbeat prospect. A nosy relative once said “it’s time to settle down already”. We get caught up and persuaded by the idea of having a timeline for our lives. I don’t quite understand why we impose this pressure, but societal norms do play a role in relationships. At this point, I’m undeniably inclined to mention Jane Austen’s character Anne Elliot from her novel Persuasion. Poor Anne was heartbroken when the pressure of her family and peers kept her from following her heart and marrying the man she loved. Later Anne learns to rely on her own judgement and instincts to guide her choices and eventually finds happiness.

Nestled at the focal point of this erratic period is the pressure to procreate. There’s a lot of scaremongering about reaching this milestone before the biological deadline. There is no right or wrong way. I believe that everyone has different timelines and reasons. You will never know the weight of it, without doing it yourself.

Having a baby, can do uncanny things to your sense of existence. At times you will not know yourself. You might be chided for ‘just’ being a mother. But when I look at the mirror, I look at a woman who has moved on. I moved quite a great deal in the last decade and realised that everything changes things, peoples, stories, lives and the like. I am no Hallmark woman and nobody is. Sometimes everything might seem impossibly wrecked. And the deal is, womanhood isn’t about being perfect but being positively imperfect. It’s all right not to have it all figured out. Just put one step in front of the other and you can habitually be bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

I promise that the crazy period that began at adolescence has not ended. Realizing your innate worth, honouring the worth and following your heart can unravel the entanglements. Be not afraid to confront the questions that arise when you stand at the edge of some moments. When you find the answers, you’ll feel satisfied. And if you don’t find an answer to a question, return to it later or never. Finally, show someone you love, some love. That’s how we live.

Celebrate the elegance of womanhood!